- Bumper Sticker
I was, like everyone else – well, almost – given a driving license upon passing a few tests and demonstrating the "acceptable" amount of driving acumen and understanding of rules that, supposedly, were to bring order to the chaos on the streets. Soon, however, I stumbled upon the shocking revelation that the rules I was taught were incomplete, mostly incorrect and, at times, so deceptive to be life-threatening. 'How could they send me into the battlefield, unarmed and unprepared,' I thought. The trauma, the intricate ruse was excruciating! I realized that no driving school, instructor or book could have prepared me for life on the roads; except for that timeless teacher, Experience.
And Experience it is that I thank who saved me from being run over and allowed me to settle into the jungle that is Karachi traffic. Thanks to Experience, I successfully transformed myself from being a niggardly rodent to a competitive alpha-male who strikes fear in the hearts of those who intend to overtake. And it was Experience who made it all possible by teaching me novel, invaluable and wise lessons; rules of the jungle with a tagline: “Resist at your own peril”.
Take, for instance, the “Safe Following Distance” fallacy. There is no such thing. First of all, following is for losers! Why let the car in front dictate how fast you’d be going? You’ve got to change your perspective; you’ve got to think like a leader, not a follower. The solution is to eliminate the distance altogether. Overtake that vehicle in front, let it follow you instead! And do not give up until you do so; the feeling at the end is exhilarating. Secondly, the “Safe Following Distance” is just a stupid name given to the act of allowing another car from the adjacent lanes to comfortably slide in and fill the gap, thereby pushing you further back in the queue. What a defeatist attitude! You’ve got to clog that space, make sure it is yours; you’ve got to become territorial, and make sure nobody treads on your ground!
A dangerous corollary to the “Safe Following Distance” is the “Death by Brake Lights… or the Lack of Them” phenomenon. Imagine this; so you’ve maintained the so-called safe distance and are merrily following a queue when a shabby vehicle slides into the (safe) space ahead from the left and suddenly decides to stop! Now, it is the undeniable right of a car (and its owner) to leave its brake lights malfunctioned. Hey, it is the car’s body; and only the car (and its owner) can decide what to do with it, as well as any of the parts, hooded or exposed. No rule or traffic constable has the right to interfere in this matter. So, the shabby vehicle stops but the brake lights don’t work; you do not notice and the next thing you know, your bumper is dangling a centimeter above the ground and your bonnet is smashed in. Therefore, reject this fallacy and associated scams like “The Two Minute Rule”; instead, seek only to overtake, to stay ahead and this problem is never likely to occur.
Then there is the lane. For those masterful drivers who are beyond such frivolities, a “lane” is a part of a roadway designed for use by a single line of vehicles, typically indicated by those irritating white lines on the roads. I know; stupid terminology and a waste of a concept, best described with a conversation I once had with Experience:
“Master, I have a problem,” I solemnly said.
“What bothers you, my boy?” Experience asked; eager as ever to help.
“It’s those lanes, Master! As I drive, I try my best to stay within the lines to my left and right; switching only when necessary and providing indications as I do. But I emerge a failure. Those around me conquer the quest by moving about at will; free like the wind. They are strong enough to drive right down the middle of that dashed line, thereby holding two adjacent lanes in submission at the same time! I fear, Master. At this rate, I fear I would be lost in oblivion; a driver who never made a mark on traffic!”
“My boy,” said Experience and inhaled deeply. “You must look at the bigger picture. Alter your perspective. Do not limit yourself to the confines of two parallel white lines. What could be worse? Instead, see the open road laid out before you as a fantastic maze; you must zigzag your way through it; and although at the end of the maze, there is plenty of cheese for everybody, you must win the race; just for the heck of it and that fulfilling sense of vanity. Solving mazes; it’s the pinnacle of intellectual accomplishment!”
Ah, those words. They changed the way I look through the windshield.
If you intend to buy a car to drive in Karachi, look for the one that has no indicators. They are completely overrated, are hardly ever used, and may save you a couple thousand rupees. An indicator? Are you kidding me? Totally unnecessary! Moving left and right, switching lanes and exploring spaces – the tighter the better – are the manufacture rights of a car; why do you need to declare an exercising of those rights before you are to exercise them? What’s next? Indicate before you breathe? In fact, I am currently working on a business proposal to buy the millions of unused indicators out there, recycle them in my very own plastic factory and produce useful material and unparalleled profits.
On a related note, overtaking is the ultimate driving skill; you must not limit yourself to overtaking slower vehicles from the right. That’s like putting creativity in a cage! Do it however you please; from the left, the right, at whatever speed and turn. Express yourself. If the others don’t, well… too bad for them!
The jungle is not always about the predators though. You’ve got to let the prey have its way too; so that they can grow plump enough to become savory, delicious food! Similarly, the traffic is about those meager two-wheeled vehicles as well; motorcycles in particular. If you seek some real liberation and are ready to withstand Karachi’s weather, I’d suggest you go for a motorcycle. The fantastic maze that Master Experience was referring to becomes fantastic-er on those two-wheels! Every shard of space, no matter how tight, is worth venturing; you can wriggle your way between bumpers, ride right between parallel traffic in the so-called – and now exposed – lanes; and you do not even need those petty side-view mirrors. Ah, motorcycles; the exhilaration, the liberation!
And now that you have grasped the basic mentality, the associated philosophy and the principles of life on the road, let me simply present the Golden Rules, as taught by Master Experience:
Rules are meant to be broken (except these ones; the Golden Rules). So are traffic lights, especially if a dozen cars do it with solidified unity and purpose. That said, if someone else breaks the red light while you’re speeding through for your green, you must give that dimwit a piece of your mind!
When behind a long queue visibly stagnant due to a red light or another obstacle, you must honk repeatedly, for as long as possible. Sure, it’s the red light; but that’s not your problem! Also, this sort of honking is the sonic glare of a competitive alpha-male; they must know you’re in contention.
If you drive (not sure if that’s the right term) a donkey-cart, make sure you are in the so-called fast lane. This also applies to bicycles.
Swearing is a driver’s most distinguishing asset. Master Experience once told me: “Your swearing defines who you are!” Some very deep stuff! Think about it.
When switching lanes or exploring spaces, you do not need to check those needles rear view and side view mirrors. Mirrors are for one purpose and one purpose only; to verify and make sure you look presentable/ pretty/ smart or whatever category you prefer putting yourself in. It is not your problem if someone has to slow down or brake to avoid an accident or turn sharply to avoid contact! No! It is their problem!
The innumerous ditches, bumps and sewerage manholes on the streets and roads of Karachi are like the riveting garnish on a juicy steak; they enhance your zigzagging, switching, twisting and turning experience on the road. Enjoy them. Relish them. Use them to your advantage!
Be inconsiderate. And be proud of it. Inconveniencing other drivers on the road with your silky moves and sultry displays of driving prowess is the ultimate statement of vanity! In fact, the bigger and better car you have, the more inconsiderate you ought to be! The road is yours! Take it!
The night isn’t night enough without the darkness. Driving at night isn’t driving at all without high beams, especially on busy roads. Better still, get your lights modified and then give it a high beam; let the world in front of your car be illuminated by the beautiful light you send out! But beware, if someone does that to you from behind, and you are nearly blinded by the unforgiving light off your mirrors, you could lose momentum. In such a situation, suppress your ego for a moment and let that adversary overtake you, allowing you an attractive opportunity at payback as you can then release a heinous shower of eye-gorging light on the adversary! In any case, do not forget to swear a plenty and give him a piece of your mind!
At night (although this is perfectly applicable during the day too), use the dipper with every breath you take! It doesn’t matter how busy the traffic is, or if there is room for the vehicle ahead to give way! That is not your problem! Use the dipper to practically blind the driver into submission. As you go past, be sure to laugh devilishly. A glare implying “Move over, imbecile!” would also suffice. Again, beware! If you find yourself at the receiving end in such a situation, remember the rules: overtake, payback and/or just swear.
If you see pedestrians crossing the road ahead, press down on the accelerator and honk the wind out of your car! They are responsible for their lives, not you!
If you are a pedestrian, even you have rights on the road. You can cross any road at any point regardless of the speed and turn in the traffic. They are responsible for your life, not you! The best strategy is to gather four or five pedestrians and simply jump into the flowing traffic. You’ll find a way through!
In the end, I’d like to go back to the beginning. I believe it is extremely dangerous and purely apathetical on the part of the Government and law enforcement to discharge driving licenses based on knowledge which has no practical application on the road! These are people’s lives we are talking about, not to mention the need for vanity, speed, impatience and other such virtues. After these eye-opening real driving lessons by Master Experience, there is no doubt in my mind that the system needs to be revamped. I intend to move for a petition; a petition to test drivers on these new rules by Master Experience before rendering them eligible for a license to ensure that the buzz and activity on the roads of Karachi remains unhindered. Who is with me?
